Tuesday, October 18, 2016

Not A Book Review

This is a first for my blog. And hopefully a last, as well.

2016 hasn’t dealt me a very nice hand, and I know I’m not the only one who feels this way. The icing on this shit cake was ending a year-long relationship via text with someone I truly cared about. Honestly, I saw it coming, and I was going to suggest we split or at least take a lengthy break, but I wasn’t even given the chance to reply to what was a childish and hurtful way to end it. He’s not worth another letter (when will I ever learn my lesson about writing letters to guys?) and I sure as hell don’t want to face him right now.

But I have things to say, and I am a writer, so this is more cathartic than anything else I could do right now. If it brings someone else solace, then I’ll have done my good deed for this hideous year.

To the focus of my year,

You didn’t deserve me. From the minute you thought disappearing without a trace and popping back into my life was ok, I sensed something deeply unsettled within your core. But I also saw the greatness and the sweet person inside. Everyone needs a champion from time to time, especially when we’re in a dark part of our lives. I wanted to be that person for you. I would have gladly been your light in the dark, and I kept reaching out even when I was bluntly pushed aside.

I am an idiot, but this I’ve known since a young age. The depths of my idiocy were maxed out by you. Shortly before meeting you, I’d just returned from the biggest adventure of my life. I lived, thrived, and traveled around another country all while attaining great self-discovery and learning about myself and how I can interact with this great world we live in. I returned a much more confident and self-efficient person.

As I slowly devoted myself to you, I saw myself slipping away. Why I didn’t stop it before I turned into a husk of myself is an easy question to answer. I thought you needed me, because I saw you slipping as well. I thought giving to you would not only help you but create a mutual support system from which we could both benefit.

And for a while, it did. Even in my darkest despair, even after being humiliated and discarded like a used tissue, I remember the good times we had. It had been a long time since someone had treated me so tenderly and opened my heart up like you did. But I guess I didn’t have enough value for you to continue to treat me as such. I wasn’t making you money or advancing you toward your goals, and even though I tried giving to you in other ways, I wasn’t important enough to hang on to.

This was a long time coming, and I knew it would eventually end, but I deserve more closure than you gave me. You said I was the emotional burden, but who was the one reaching for comfort and support for the better half of this year? Who enjoyed playing the emotional hostage situation game to keep me coming back? There was a lot of work put in on my side, and I get little to no closure myself? For all the time I spent worrying over you and trying to reach out when one of your sulky moods struck, I get a text message and a prompt cut off? I wasn’t even worth a phone conversation, much less a face-to-face discussion like sensible adults do. This act of childish cowardice threw me more off course than your disappearing acts throughout our relationship. With all of your relationship experience, you still function on a grade school level. You’d mentioned how crazy your exes were, and it’s not hard to imagine someone reacting very negatively to something like this.

But this also showed me a new, nastier side of you. I didn’t realize how cold you could be for you were always so warm to me. But I guess that warmth was an act of “pity” as you said in your impersonal, final text. I don’t need anyone’s pity, and I won’t apologize for proactively trying to reach out to you while attempting to predict your bouts of closeness and distance.

Nothing was conventional about this relationship, one that was almost forced into long-distance though we don’t live so far apart. I find it hard to believe you entertained nearly a year of someone out of pity. You sure were cozy and comfortable with someone you didn’t really care about. I think back to a month ago when things were good and we were growing closer. If that was an act of pity, then it must be the most grandiose act on record. None of this adds up, but I’m done trying to analyze your dark and unsettling mind.

I hope you remain too self-absorbed in your own world and goals to reach out to another person for a long time. You will be hard pressed to find someone who’d give you as many chances as I did. Someone who gave so much of herself and sacrificed so much time for a guy who can’t even return a phone call. And no one deserves a year of anxiety attacks, self-doubt, and diminishing self-worth just to be tossed aside and completely cut out of your life. May you find whatever it is you’re searching for, but may you also be aware that I want no part in it.

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